The Tragic case of Danny Cooke
I never wanted to hurt anyone. I’ve been severely hurt by a loved one in the past and it still affects me to this day. Some times I struggle to get up in the morning or find motivation to do anything. I want to shut myself away forever and tell the world to leave me alone. It seems that I cant help someone getting hurt by my actions in the end. I don’t know what has changed either because I don’t think I do anything wrong – the last thing Id do to someone is cheat – and yet my recent ex-love interests now all hate me where as 5 years or so ago, I would have still been friends with them afterwards.
Fact: I high percentage of people meet their life partner in the workplace…
Over the years I have had a number of relationships with colleagues which has now seen me to get a bad reputation amongst the rest of them. Its really sad because it means they are quick enough to bitch about me and warn people off of me. I imagine their presumptions of me are one of an arrogant arsehole who uses women and then moves on to the next. On one hand It doesn’t bother me what people think but on the other hand It gets me down that they would rather think all of that rather than get to know me a bit more to actually find out that in fact I’m NOT using women at all, Ive treated them all really well and have liked them at the time. I’m trying to find the right women to sweep ME off my feet like all them years ago when I thought I’d found my soul mate but who went on to break my heart and destroy me. Anyway, Its been unfortunate that Its not worked out with these different people.
If you know me then you know that I am very anal about my looks and hair in particular. If you REALLY got to know me then you’d know that it is not because “I love myself” but more that I’m unbelievably insecure especially in thinking that I wouldn’t be good enough for someone. The one I had told me she loved me, shed never cheat on me and wanted to be with me for a long time; to start a family, to start a life. Now If someone tells me things like this, I cannot trust that they will feel the same way later on. That’s why I push people away and push the world away. I really cant go through that hurt again. Losing Holly felt like someone had died, so much in fact that I had PHYSCIAL pain in my chest! And like any death, I doubt I’ll ever actually get over it.
LOVE
In the words of the band, Mcfly; “Love is Easy.”
On face value it is arguably the simplest of quotes but ponder further my dear reader and you will start to question if love actually is easy. Well yes, It is. Its finding love and being without it which is hard, although the sad reality that plagues most relationships nowadays which can cause a high percentage of breakups is that whilst you may be completely nose-deep in love, your partner is not. They are your soul-mate but you are not theirs. It happens to us all. Our “First love” they say is “The one that got away” or the one who you will never fully get over and spend for all ever comparing future relations to. It could be that by the time you realise your love for that special someone that it is simply too late and then you wonder what you could have done wrong and what you should have done differently. You will undoubtedly wonder about this for years and it may even drive you crazy; why did she/he leave you after all your love and care was focused on them? It seems cruel that the person you would have done anything for is now dismissing your love or even your existence; however, I suppose you have to look on the other side of things.
A relationship is not about you. It is about “us.” therefore you cannot expect to carry on with fifty percent of “us” being unhappy in the relationship hoping things will fall back into place. Fall back into… well, love. This is what leads people to cheat – Its the easiest pleasure to gain for a temporary high whilst in fact you accomplish nothing from it. Nothing but hurt, not only for your unsuspecting partner but: studies have even shown that although cheating may be stimulating during the fling, the after effects just burden you with stress and guilt (Or if you’re heartless, it could be the stress of certain people finding out.) so just don’t do it. The best thing to do if you are unhappy it to take responsibility and tackle the problem. It may be that you DO need to end things but its hard because you used to have such strong feelings and you have been together for a long time but it has to be better sooner rather than later hasn’t it? What is the point in staying together if you don’t see a future in a years time?
* starts laughing at myself *
Despite sounding like an ancient Oracle sharing his wisdom, it is slightly humorous reading this back and thinking that I should have taken my own advice a couple of years ago. I was so far in love that I was prepared to give up everything just to make her happy. A trait which I never thought I would give in to. I’ve always believed that you should never put anybody in front of your work but then my job wont hold me on a cold night and tell me everything’s all right.
I admit that once upon a time I wasnt the perfect boyfriend. I got too comfortable in the relationship and took her for granted, expecting her to be there no matter what. We had survived almost two terms of her living away at university so there were no signs of it coming to an end any time soon but it was all too much of a perfect opportunity for the one she, lets say “took a liking to.”
It was whilst I was working abroad for Christmas one year away from my family and friends and more importantly, her. I was working hard and had hardly any opportunity to contact people back home. Christmas day was one of the loneliest I’ve ever had and so consequently I fell into something with a colleague but before my contract was up I had ended it before anything even happened and had a clear mind that when I returned home, I would focus on being there for her and be the best person I could be in every sense. Little did I know that she got “lonely” over Christmas too and had got close to a boy on her course who conveniently lived in the house next door too.
You could say that we were as bad as each other but the difference being that I didn’t sleep with anybody else and wouldn’t even see that person again. She would go on lying to me for a few more months and allow me to express my love in every way whilst having another newly formed boyfriend at university. I think what frustrates me the most is that the last year that we were together/ after my epiphany over Christmas, I did so many things to be the best boyfriend I could and it seems she did nothing to fight for me! Even little things such as finishing work late and rushing to catch a train to visit her for just one hour at University before trekking the one and a half hour journey back again… Or the time when (I had a Key to her family’s house) they were on holiday and I spent the evening scattering little gifts around her house and spelling “I LVE U” in her favourite sweets over her bed. For my birthday she bought me a £400 camera only to break leave me for him a month or few weeks later. I don’t get it.
We were a couple for almost three years which is a long time if you spend a lot of time together but heartbreakingly, the last time I saw her, We were STILL a couple. She didn’t even have the decency to break up face to face nor have I had any answers since which then takes me back to what I was saying at the start about continually wondering what went wrong and what I could have done. It’s affected me so much that every now and then I still shed a tear or two for us and seem to push new love-interests away when its starts to get all too familiar. Sure, I have regrets but ultimately I know that It takes a certain kind of person to do the things she did… The WRONG person. I’m pretty sure I found a soul-mate in her but unfortunately she hasn’t found one in me thus it could never work between us and I have to eventually let go of that fantasy no matter how hard it is or how much I miss you.
My life in words 